Wondering

Hi Lynda: I read your book, The Vampire Shrink, and I thought it was wonderful, because I could really relate to the characters since I have been known to interpret or understand peoples' emotions. Sometimes it feels like they're predictable or I can read through them. So, congratulations about that. The other thing is, well, it happened about a month ago or so. There's this guy I met six or seven years ago. He really made an impression on me since it's kind of hard for me to actually relate or connect with someone. I developed a crush on him, and even though I never told him, I still appeared in his life on a couple of occasions, with bad timing of course. The thing is, about a month ago, I was having one of my mood swings (last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar II) and had a hunch, so I wrote him an e-mail telling him how wonderful I thought he was, how I didn't expect him to get back to me or anything. I just wanted him to know that. Soon after, he sent me an e-mail on my birthday (May 12th) which is actually the same date as his, then we went out for coffee. I had the most amazing feeling around him, like something was really right. We could really talk. He was even as surprised as I was to find someone so similar yet, so different. I felt something there. The thing is, even though he said repeatedly that we should do it again, during the times I've spoken with him, he never asked me out again. I know he felt what I felt. I haven't heard from him in two weeks and I'm leaving my country for a couple of months. I just want to know what happened? Why if he felt the connection I felt, he won't even show interest in us being friends? I just want closure and to get over this overwhelming crush that's been haunting me for the past 6 years. I'd really appreciate your answer.
The Wonderer

Dear Wonderer: First, thanks so much for the kind words about my book. I'm happy you enjoyed it! I wish I had better news for you. I think this is a case of misinterpretation of information. I'm sure you felt all the things you mentioned, and you clearly sense something about this person that attracts you, but that doesn't mean your interpretation is accurate. We often believe, because we have a strong reaction to someone (positive or negative), that the feeling itself has meaning regarding our connection with that individual. I suspect the person you're talking about isn't looking for the same level of intensity you're seeking. I'm afraid I'm getting a rather large "no" about an ongoing relationship with this person. Perhaps it's time to shift your focus and to concentrate on making yourself as healthy, centered and satisfied as you can. Then allow the best mate for you to be attracted by what/who you are. I'm crossing my fingers that you'll open the other doors that are cracked open for you.
Lynda

Turn The Page

Hi Lynda: My BF and I have been together for 3 yrs. I am 29 and he is 30. A few weeks ago, before he went away on an army exercise, he told me he wants a break to be alone as he never has been, to grow up and learn to appreciate me and his family. That he doubts he will ever find someone as compatible as me and that there is always hope for the future and that he does love me but the timing is wrong as with everything in his life. Because he is on exercise, he is uncontactable. I had arranged before he left to come over when he gets back. He said when telling me the above that I could still come over and we can go stay somewhere. He also said that he plans on us at least staying friends. My question is do you think he really does still love me or has he maybe found someone else (he swears blind he isn't even interested in finding another or going out and picking up)? and that he will still let me come over. If it is over I need the closure and I want to have a great weekend with good memories to at least solidify our friendship. I feel this man is my soul mate and that we are inextricably linked together and would love to grow old with him and hope that one day we will cross paths again if the timing isn't right now. I haven't heard from him since he left and his last msg as he went out of range said "I can't talk to you as we are going straight to the bay. I know you love me and you want to be together. You don't need to tell me that. I will try to ring you asap. I am not sure when that may be tho." It has been 2 weeks since then. And even tho I know he is out of range doubt is starting to creep into my thoughts and I am worried he will not call. Do you think he will? Thank you so much for any insight you may be able to share.
Fearful

Dear Fearful: I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but I think he told you very clearly how things are for him. Trying to hold on to someone who is no longer invested in a relationship is an exercise in futility. Here's the truth: love has nothing to do with clinging and being attached. Love is effortless. Love is joyful. Just love him in your heart, regardless of whether he contacts you or not. Let go of needing a particular outcome. Your email was very fearful and I understand how frightened you are. But I also know that fear is the opposite of love. And it's impossible to control another person. No matter how hard we try. I do think the two of you will be in contact again and I don't get a sense that he's deceiving you. I think he was very truthful with you. And, I think he's hoping to have other experiences in his life before he finally settles down. He does not feel the same way about the relationship that you do. Being friends is great if both parties really want that. If one party still wants it to be more, true friendship can't really happen. See if you can find other things in your life to give attention to. Stop fretting and being upset about him. You know that old saying (paraphrasing), "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." Turn to the next page in your book and write something new. There is actually a wonderful surprise involving another person in your future.
Hugs, Lynda

Seeking The Full Banquet

Hi Lynda: First, thanks for all your great advice. This blog is a real comfort! I was wondering what you could tell me about this man I've been involved with on and off for about three years. Our most recent break-up was the worst and left us not speaking. He travels for work and is away a lot. The strange thing is, I feel like I know when he comes to town. I get anxious, sometimes I get depressed for no reason, or I just start picturing him with me a lot. I wonder if my mind is just all tied up with what he's doing and he's oblivious to me, or we are continuing to fight on some psychic stage. I really feel like I'm moving on (even dating) until he comes around and then I start imagining that it was all these grand things that it probably wasn't. What is going on?
Questioner

Dear Questioner:
I believe it's normal for us to use our expanded senses. I'm often surprised by the fact that -- in this day and age -- we still don't understand that we are more than what we can cognitively explain. It is very common for us to get addicted to -- overly attached -- to another individual for one unhealthy reason or another. Sensing that person isn't unusual. I think we get confused because we clearly perceive an unconscious connection with the person, but we get hung up in the ways we attempt to explain/interpret what we sense. Simply because we "pick up" things from a person doesn't mean anything in particular beyond that. Keep in mind that you must have your psychic "radio station" tuned to that person's frequency in order for you to spend so much time sensing him. If you don't wish to live his life instead of your own, change your station. Sincerely. Turn your focus to what you'd rather have, rather than what was/is, and watch your life change for the better. If you find that difficult, perhaps you could work with a local counselor to discover why you'd rather re-experience "crumbs" rather than seek out a full banquet. Keep me posted.
Lynda

Inching Forward

Hi Lynda: I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm 26, I've had a thousand jobs, been to college, currently attend University and will need to reenter the workforce soon. I seem to hate everything. I have no friends and I have alienated all of my roommates. I have sought help professionally about clinical depression and personality disorders but the problem seems to be something idiotic and unchangeable about me. I can't think of things to say to people, I can't think of anything to do with my life. When I look at my life it seems like it's always been going in this direction. My face looks like it couldn't lead any other life. I rarely smile, I'm quick to anger, over-sensitive and mean without even realizing. Basically, it seems hopeless and I've tried everything. I really do try. I don't even know what you can tell me. I'm sure you will say it isn't as hopeless as it feels. I always have epiphanies about where my future lies and have some faith for some time, but I've been disappointed so many times by myself and everybody else that I'm just really tired of having hope that leads nowhere and a life that may be rich with experience but lacking in substance or wisdom. I don't want pity, I just want to know if you have any idea what I should do next. Maybe you get a feeling or something.
Thanks, Lorelei

Dear Lorelei: You already know there are usually no easy answers. Your email reminds me of a client I saw the other day at the community mental health center I work for. She not only has a couple of intense mental health diagnoses, but she also has a few budding physical problems and many, many bad mental habits, acquired through years of self-hatred and self-medicating. She wasn't a happy camper at the end of our session. I suspect she was hoping for the magic pill. I certainly wish such a thing existed. I gave her good advice, and I hope she makes another appointment. But I'm familiar with situations like yours -- both from listening to clients and from my own experiences. If you're willing to take a multi-modal approach and tiny baby steps, change can happen. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but it can be a challenging process to find the right psych meds at the right dosage. In the meantime, your brain chemistry pendulum swings wildly from one side to the other. When that happens, it's tempting to give up. To just surrender to the darkness and hopelessness. As I've written about before, HSPs (highly sensitive persons) aren't marching to the same drummer as most others. Please go to your local library and see if they have any books on the topic. Or go to your closest book store. You'll find yourself in those pages. You can also read the article on my website (www.lyndahilburn.com). It's likely you're sensitive to everything: sounds, lights, people, energy, sugar, caffeine, useless carbs in general, and your hormones will need to be monitored. Also, we don't truly begin to inhabit our bodies and get a grip on our desires until we navigate the ages 27-33. You're on the entry ramp. I can look at your tarot cards and see lots of difficulty. But that's useless information. At any moment, you can change your magnetic focus. Is it easy? Probably not. Can you inch your way there. Absolutely. Please find a great therapist to work with in your area and give yourself the time it will take to get better. Seriously. Keep me posted.
Lynda

Stuck

Hello, Lynda: We met about 6 years ago as I was contemplating hypnotherapy courses and I have recently stumbled upon your website. Congratulations on your books! While I feel that I've been moving forward in my development in many ways, in other ways I have felt and still feel stuck. I am a 42-year-old woman and it seems that I'm having a difficult time finding my place in this world. I am clear on my interests, I know myself pretty well, and overall feel quite good about who I am. My financial situation has been a major struggle and while I feel I have uncovered my gifts, it seems like I have yet to come to a place where my gifts and interests can generate income. I am having trouble finding a way through this and feel as if I'm going in circles, uncertain of what to focus upon or which direction to go towards. I am also finding it difficult to find a mate. I have been divorced for 12 years with some very good relationships and I while I'm quite good at being alone, I would very much would like to find a life partner but I'm having trouble finding someone who feels like a fit. I met someone some years ago who I felt very powerful feelings of love for but he was not in a good place in his life, so I stepped away from the relationship but find myself with regret for letting go of what felt like a destiny. What energies seem to be at play in my life this year and what advice can you offer? Thank you very much for your time.
L in Lafayette

Dear L: Thanks for your kind words about my books. I appreciate it. I'm sorry things are so hard. When we're in the midst of one of those times, they seem endless and frustrating. As difficult as it can be (but it doesn't have to be difficult -- the difficulty is a belief we often don't even consciously know we have), you'll need to practice distracting yourself from noticing your current situation. As you well know, if we're looking at what was or what is, all we can attract is more of the same. We often believe we ARE focused on things we can say "yes" to, but it turns out we focus there for one second, then go back to noticing how things "really" are. As the delightful Esther Hicks says, "which drum are you beating?"

This is a wonderful year for you to begin planting seeds (and it's almost spring!!) of desires. Then take baby steps, moving relentlessly toward every form of joy you can imagine. Remember that the brain/mind doesn't know the difference between something observed and something imagined, so it will begin to attract what you focus on. That's such a powerful tool we often disregard. There seems to be confusion -- ideas that aren't in alignment with your larger dream. I find that when we don't know what to do, it's best to do nothing. Go inside. Get back in touch with the vision that makes your heart smile. When action is appropriate, your deeper wisdom will nudge you in that direction. The only thing holding you back are thoughts (and repeated thoughts that have morphed into beliefs). Things really start to move positively for you in June of this year, and by August (if you're courageous and step outside your fears), something marvelous will happen. Now is the time to set your sights high and to write a list of things you can do to further your goals. Which do you choose? Love or fear?
Best, Lynda

Change of job? Location?

Dear Lynda: I'm writing a question, hoping for counsel. My spouse and I both want desperately out of our current jobs/location and are hoping this is the year despite the horrible economy. Is there a move and job change coming for us before the fall? There are a couple of dream job possibilities but I'm almost afraid to hope too much due to past disappointments.

I really felt this was the year but then things tanked economically and the hiring season in our field is beginning to slip away. I'm usually very intuitive except when it comes to myself so its rather frustrating. There have been a few good things about this job but we'd like to be closer to family, and spiritually I feel adrift.

My current position is difficult on many levels, negative energy, difficult colleagues, limitations, uncomfortable location etc. I've tried to find a spiritual community where I could further develop my own empathic abilities but I have seemed to hit a wall in our current location. I'm hoping a move will enable me to make connections in a spiritual community and bring new life to my creative life as well. One of the dream job possibilities I mention above would only be for my husband and would require me to leave my current career path and hope I could cobble something together. So it's a little unnerving despite the opportunity to get out of where we are at present. I guess my question is multi-faceted: will we be making a job change before fall, will we be able to sell the house, will I have to change my career (if so, in what way?) and will I find a place to grow spiritually? Many Thanks and Blessings,
Hopeful

Dear Hopeful: I think it's pretty common that we're not as intuitive about ourselves. Too much psychological/psychic dust obscuring the lens. It's much easier to feel/sense things about others. Since your future is in your hands (choices, beliefs, decisions, fears, etc.) I'm not able to give you a clear indication of exactly WHAT will happen before fall, but something is coming. Something desirable. October seems positively meaningful. And it seems to benefit both partners, rather than only your husband. But before the good appears, there's some unpleasant energy. So, with that in mind, I advise you continue downsizing your lifestyle -- to think about what material things you can let go of. It's so liberating to release unnecessary objects. There will be a disappointment -- but don't get stuck there -- and then a happy surprise.

I know you are aware of this already, but spirituality is an inside job. Certainly, some communities are more involved in various forms of exploration, but where you live shouldn't hinder your personal deepening in any way. Remember that we must BECOME what we desire and then we find ourselves attracting/magnetizing evidence which is in alignment with those decisions/choices. Take care that you don't get so attached to pushing away "what is" that you forget to joyfully anticipate what you prefer. You can't have it both ways.

Give little credibility to the talk of economic ruin. As I've heard often lately, there is opportunity in difficulties -- if you choose to focus there. I feel good about you.
Lynda

First Love

Hello Lynda: I don't write this easily, because I don't usually ask for help, but I need some clarification. I am married (for the past 5 years) to a man I respect and do love. Our sex life has never been as exciting as I had with my first love 23 years earlier.

That first love (who is married with 2 children) and I meet every 6 months or so (sometimes more than that). We go for dinner, etc. and then we ultimately end up having fabulous sex . . . better than anything . . . passionate. We love to kiss and just get as close to each other as possible. I don't even feel guilty because there is something about him as a person that I really truly and profoundly love. I probably love him more than my husband, and I therefore don't even think it's wrong! Which is really bizarre since I try to have character and ethics in everything I do. I haven't and don't like a lot of men but he has always had an "all-consuming" effect on me. But at the same time, I don't agree with a lot of things or ways he has handled his life and realize that I would probably (still a question though) have been unhappy in a marriage with him.

I slept with him last night. It was wonderful. I miss him this morning but would never tell him or text him or anything to make it more emotional, to be fair to his family and mine. I kind of dust myself off and go on.

When I dated him 23 years earlier it was a very passionate relationship. I saw him all the time and we also fought a lot in a passionate way. My parents did not really think he was right for me and basically put an end to it. I tried to do the right thing because I respected them (and still do).

I don't even know what I want to hear from you but I guess it's just, "how do I get him out of my deepest heart"? What lesson about myself do I need to hear???
Respectfully,
The one and only

Dear TO&O: It doesn't sound like he's going to be vacating your "deepest heart" any time soon. I think your experience is an example of the complexity of human relationships. I believe human situations are subjective. Despite arguments with various philosophy professors in college, I have never been convinced that there are absolutes in the world. I think there are things we are still in the process of understanding (laws of the universe, etc.). Relationships -- especially love/romantic/sexual ones -- are capable of exhibiting unlimited layers. Your decision, I believe, isn't about an ideal of right and wrong. It's about personal ethics. You allowed your parents to make a decision for you about your relationship with this man, and there's no need to second-guess that choice: it's over and done with. But now you need to own your choices -- to be responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions. If you and your first love have discussed this issue (and if you haven't, that is your next step), and have decided to remain with your current spouses, while still continuing an ongoing, emotional connection, then your task is to be fully present in all aspects of your life. When you're with your husband, be fully present. Stay in the now. Love with all your heart. When you're with your lover, enjoy that time with no expectations. The question is: can you do that? If you can't, you have a hard decision to make. Once again, every situation is unique and subjective. In my world, there are no easy answers. You might want to explore how grounded and healthy your beliefs are about love and romance.
Lynda

Should I hold onto this friendship?

Dear Lynda: I am writing about a friendship of many years. In that time I kept reaching out for "best friend" status from her and felt very happy when she started calling me her "sister." It has been so one-sided though; I am the one who calls, who suggests things to do, etc. She is not yet retired and I am, so when she refuses because she is "so busy" I understand but also feel put off.

I have periodically wanted to talk to her about this but dreaded having the friendship end. Last fall while I was away from the States for a month, I realized I could get along without her advice, without all the calling. For years she has listened to me and my problems with an addicted child; she has been supportive. On the other hand, she has been very private about herself and I suspect her marriage isn't all the rosey picture she paints of it.

So now I feel guilty and confused because I sense she is somehow affecting me negatively. In encounters with her I've felt "less than" or irritated; something seems "off." She is this saintly person who is always helping someone! What's wrong with me?

An example - when I spoke with her about a devastating rejection of my writing by an editor I know she brought up what she thought was a similar situation and didn't seem to connect with how I was feeling at all. She also has told me about guys hitting on her even though she knows I am divorced and alone. The last time she spoke of this I told her "I don't have that problem." It made me wonder why she shares this kind of information with me. I end up feeling like a wallflower.

I purposely stopped calling "first" and have spoken with her only twice in the past six weeks. Today she called and I didn't pick up. My inner guidance appears to be saying stay away, but I am so afraid of being unfair and maybe even stupid by cutting off this friendship. Help!

Afraid

Dear Afraid: First, stop beating up on yourself. You're human. What you're describing is very common. Sensitive people make ourselves crazy about these kinds of things all the time. My first questions are: Have you spoken to her about your feelings? Are you sure she is even remotely aware of your disappointment with her and why? It's wise to be careful about what traits and characteristics we attribute to someone. Perhaps she isn't nearly as aware and "saintly" as you might imagine (imagine being the key word here). I've frequently been surprised when I discovered that someone I felt certain was insightful, intuitive and sensitive turned out to be none of those things. It was all in my head. For whatever reason, I needed that person to fill that role for me. I simply ignored the parts I didn't want to see. But, honestly, the only thing you need to do is let go, allow whatever connection is in alignment with your vibational nature, and just enjoy whatever does -- or doesn't -- happen. Perhaps she isn't able to participate in a relationship at the level you desire. Some people are very private. Can you enjoy her if she isn't as you hoped? Can you see her clearly and let that be enough? If not, simply wish her well and move on.
Best, Lynda

Psychically Connected

Dear Lynda: I am not a Psychic Vampire, although I am sensitive to them and stay away *grins* since I am an empath/intuitive myself.

Anyway my question is this: I met a guy just over 4 years ago after my mom died, and we became friends and got along well. Nothing more just friends and then a couple years later things got into the next stage and the problem is we got engaged but he cheated. I know all about it and was hurt and disappointed but the circumstances were different. So we took up our friendship, since that did not waver too much, but I am the rock he can count on even as only a good friend. Probably why I weathered what happened decently. Well this last month he is back in my life and we are tentatively back together to give this another go but we shall see. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

I know the risks yet we are connected on a very deep soul and psychic level, our connection is mind boggling at times even across the globe at times. If I have to remain just best friends with him then I will do that. My question is this: we will now be talking more and planning though I am still a tad wary. I am not going to let what happened before happen again or I am out of here as anything more than a friend.. BUT the big but here... we are so connected it is amazing and yes he is gifted also, probably why we hooked up in the first place. Now I just wonder if I should even try to dream or plan with him since he has to go away for work for many months again out of the country. That was the problem, he was alone with no one he really knew and I was heading out there to visit him when the other uh person got involved and will NOT call her a lady because she was not one, by the way she practically stalked him the month prior to my going there and then after I had confronted her on the phone she was gone out of his life the next month and has latched onto another. Seems she flits from one guy to another latching on like a friggin bloodsucking vampire herself.

I want to believe in him, by the way he did come to me and professed his love this week again and I always knew he loved me that was not in question. It is his strength or lack there of to confront a certain type of woman, since he has been damaged in previous marriages. Oh yes we are older we met in our 40's so not that young that we did not treasure our friendship and more. We are the best of friends and companions, we can have so much fun doing almost nothing just hanging around. But he has to go back to work out of the country again, he has been gone a few years now and the project is almost done. So he comes back as he can every year and I had planned to go there but of course THAT person cut that short and now we are planning me to go out there this summer and him back here to live we hope in fall with luck. So just wondering if I should place my faith in him and us and wait ... or just give it up and say let's just be best friends and we can both see others while you are gone and wait til you are back before anything more again.

Thanks again, E


Dear E: I trust you to use your intuition to make the best decisions for you. I am concerned because you seem to have the idea that the woman in question had the power to cause your friend to behave in certain ways. She had no such power. No matter what she did, she couldn't force him to do anything he didn't want to. He was the choice-maker. He was the one who allowed himself to indulge in poor decisions. Blaming her is a waste of your energy (as is blaming anyone). I'm sure he's a fine fellow. Your letter leads me to believe you expect him to make poor decisions again. As I've said before in responses, the people who are the most soul connected to us often turn out to be the true "soul mates," the ones who kick us in the rear, rather than share our lives. I have no doubt you two are bonded as you describe. I'd just ask you to keep an open mind about what that means in the big picture. Here's what I think: don't hold yourself back in any way. Live your life. See other people if you want to. Don't attach to whatever he is or isn't doing. Then, when he comes back for good, reassess. If the two of you are in alignment to be together, you will be. Keep me posted.
Lynda

Clarity About Authentic Life

Lynda: Right now I am trying to get clearer on what my authentic life is. I need to clarify my vision so that I can set intention and manifest it. I am pulled between these forces: 1) Being "responsible" -- which relates to the fact that I have no retirement and I'm 43 and I have no job currently -- and which leads me to consider setting intention to get a good job here, get health care, get myself back on my feet financially, and stay in my house which is a good place for my cat. 2) Taking risks. Following my desire to live in a climate that's temperate (even tropical) year round, figuring out a job when I get there (where ever "there" is) trusting that financially things will work out, trusting that somehow I can also keep the house I already have, (so that I do at least have that "security") and trusting that it'll be a fine place for my cat, too.
Thanks so much,
C, Colorado

Dear C: It's easy to become fearful in such challenging times. Fear often feels like a realistic response to situations in the outer world. I wonder what choices you'd make if you took an energetic step back from fear -- if you observed yourself dispassionately? I know what you mean by "security," but I sense contraction around the word. We simply don't make good decisions when we're afraid. I think an authentic life is one that feels good to us as we live it. The solar plexus/old gut is an amazingly reliable emotional barometer. I'm not seeing a move in the coming year -- or at least not a large one. Something involving a male tends to dominate the last third of the year, and you'll have to make a choice between doing what you want vs what someone else wants you to do. To paraphrase words I read somewhere about leaping into the void: you'll either land safely or be taught to fly. That seems highly pertinent for you in 2009 and 2010. If you're willing to focus more on what you desire and less on what is/what was, these will be great years for you. As Joseph Campbell said, "Follow your bliss." The alternative doesn't feel good.
Lynda