Attracting Your Mate

Dear Lynda: I received your Attract a Mate hypnosis CD in the mail a few days ago, and I finally had a chance to listen to it comfortably last night when I got home from work. I plan to use it every day to reinforce the suggestions. It is a wonderful CD: the guided regression is excellent and your voice is very hypnotic and relaxing. I had purchased a couple of other hypnosis CDs on Amazon.com, but I like yours the best and I plan to purchase another in the future, as soon as I have manifested my "mate" using this one. Kudos!

I have worked for the same company for many years, and most of the other employees are 10 or more years younger than I am, which makes meeting a single man at the office unlikely. I have also been trying to meet men using the internet personals, mostly without success. On top of this, I was mugged a few months ago (but not on a date), so now I am very nervous when meeting new men, and I don't like for them to offer to pick me up at home for a first date, but they almost always insist on it. So I now have trouble making good first impressions, as I inevitably come across as very nervous and paranoid from the moment I first step into a man's car until he (with relief) drops me off at home, never to call me for a second date. My question is: can this single woman be saved? i.e. will I be able to overcome these disadvantages and will meet a new man for a relationship soon? Thank you!
V, Colorado

Dear V: Any man who insists on picking you up at your home after you suggest something different isn't the man for you. It's actually quite rational to meet a date at a central location for the first time. When women ignore their intuition, unpleasant things can happen. I'm very, very happy to hear that you're learning to listen to yours. While you become more confident about following your own wise guidance, you'll likely meet lots of men who give you accurate cause to be "nervous and paranoid." The longer you trust yourself and pass on these fellows, the quicker the kind of man who is actually good for you will show up. Since you're working with my CD (thank you for the kind words), you already know that the best way to "find" the mate for you is to attract him. That's an energy/vibrational process. As challenging as it can be (since so many of us think we need to "get out there" and meet men) to spend more time imagining the man you desire and less time looking for him, it is worth whatever re-learning it takes to accomplish it. Here's my sense for you regarding the man of your dreams: I don't see you meeting a healthy, compatible male at work. You'll connect with someone you're in alignment with by doing things you love. I know. Everyone says that. But it's true. It's about staying in your own center and becoming a powerful magnet to attract someone "like" you. The Law of Attraction says "like attracts like." Right now you're afraid, so you're attracting men who give you reason to be afraid. Stop looking. Get busy doing what you love. Take classes in subjects that appeal to you. Travel. Imagine your mate doing those things with you, but don't notice whether or not he's there in the "real" world. Refuse to settle for less. I see someone wonderful answering your vibrational invitation sometime between June and August of this year.
Hugs, Lynda

Attracting Love

Dear Lynda:
I met this guy about 8 months ago. During the time we met I was going through a period of finding and loving myself. I just had lost my job, house and guy. He was understanding at the time but I was so bitter -- making him pay for my past hurt and pain. Now he won't have anything to do with me. I care a great deal about him and realize my mistakes. I'm in medical school. My question is: will we get back together and move forward?
F in Miami

Dear F: I took out all the identifying information, because it's never good to give so much personal information online. And I'm sure the fellow in question wouldn't want us talking about him by his unusual name. Sweetie, I'm sorry you met him at a time when you weren't emotionally available for a relationship. That happens so often. Here's what I think: Over the next 6 months you'll find a wonderful person and begin a healthy relationship. Can I promise you it is this fellow? No. I can't. Does it matter? Not really, because the good relationship is what's important. But here's something very powerful you can do for the fellow you wrote about: every day, for a few minutes -- maybe when you're falling asleep (if people in medical school ever get to sleep!) or waking up -- just imagine him happy, smiling and doing well. Don't add anything about it having anything to do with you. Just surround him with warm feelings and maybe a lovely color, and imagine him happy and well. If the two of you are in energetic alignment, like a magnet, your good feelings will attract him. But regardless, it will feel good for both of you if you send him warm-fuzzies every day. And, interestingly, the warm-fuzzies will probably be what attracts the good relationship (regardless of who it is with). Focus on doing well in school. Take care of yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Life is a journey.
Hugs, Lynda

Psychic Vampire II

Dear Lynda:
I was very moved by your posting about psychic vampires. I feel I have come in contact with one and I am seeking your advice on how to defend myself from future "attacks". My psychic vampire was a lover of mine. We broke up for good over a year ago, but he was also my boss. He is now married to and has a child with my former very close friend--their child was born a couple of weeks ago. We no longer work together and I only see him on occasion and when I do, I avoid him. I have since formed a very nurturing relationship with another man. We love each other very much and I feel we have a future together. This man, who I am with now, was witness to the whole heartbreak and worked with me and my boss/lover/vampire. Over the summer, while I was away visiting a friend overseas, I had a very tangible feeling that something happened to my former lover. I had a dream that my sister had a baby and that she didn't want it. These two things confused me very much, until I received an email from my former lover (which was addressed to me and my new partner) telling me that he and my former friend were having a child. I wrote to him and told him that I wished him the best, but that for obvious reasons, it was distressing to me that he felt it appropriate to email me and my new partner with this news. I didn't hear from him for some time, until he tried to befriend me on Facebook. I ignored this request and continued on with my life. A couple weeks ago when his child was born, he again sent an email to me and my partner to tell us about the birth of his child (which I already knew about because we have many mutual acquaintances). I wrote to him once more and told him to please refrain from emailing me about what was going on in his life, and then I blocked his email. Two weeks later, I am overcome with the feeling that he wants to contact me (and I am almost certain he has tried, but cannot). It hurts me very much as he was and is someone I care very deeply for, and I feel that he is hurting very much. However, I feel very protective of my new life and my new love and I want to protect myself. Obviously, we did not have very much closure in our relationship, but I feel this is because he does not want to close the door and wants to continue to haunt me. I feel very tired much of the time and I am trying very hard to keep this man out of my psychic space. My friends tell me that he looks very sad when he talks to them and I feel as if I always know when he is thinking of me. I desire healing and I desire happiness for both of us in our respective lives, but I don't know how to do this when I feel he doesn't want to leave me alone...and obviously, I have trouble shutting him out or leaving him alone. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I pray about it all the time.
Desperate for healing

Dear Desperate: You already know this, but I'll say it anyway. Psychic vampires can only feed on us if we invite them to. It's an energy exchange. One thing about psychic vampires is that they're very appealing. Dramatic. Passionate. Intense. We get addicted to them and the drama/trauma. It really can become a life-defining relationship. You are not responsible for how he feels. You can't fix him or make him healthy. You can only do that for yourself and you've clearly indicated you're ambivalent about making the healthy choices. The only way to deal with this kind of energy manipulator is to turn your attention elsewhere. Focus on what is good with your life, on what you'd rather have. He can't feed on you if you don't give him your vein (energetically/metaphorically speaking). My dear, the first thing to admit is that you don't have trouble shutting him out or leaving him alone. You simply haven't wanted to. That is the first step to freedom. Don't respond to his emails. Ever. Don't ask friends about him. Don't return phone calls. Don't take action when you perceive he is "needing" you. This is the tough work because you're truly addicted and we want our drug of choice. Even if it makes us feel bad. Every time you talk/write about him, you put an energetic invitation into the mail (so to speak). The life you've created seems so much healthier to me. I hope you'll choose it.
Best wishes, Lynda

Psychic Vampire

Hi Lynda:
I wonder if you can help me. I'm very frustrated. I met Marc on the internet 3 years ago this Christmas. It started out as a romance, we both know we're soul mates, twin flames, and we understood each other in a way neither of us has been able to find anywhere else. But the romance didn't last long. He got scared and ended it, to this day I'm not even sure why but I went along with it, because he means the world to me. Above and beyond the romance, we both agreed that we needed this friendship. Well, for the last two and a half years we've been struggling with it, struggling to stay friends. You see, he and I are both intuitives, we're both empaths, so along with an uncommon friendship, we also have a bond that frankly scares the both of us at times. I know when he's thinking of me, I know what he's thinking about us, what he's doing while he's thinking it, and when he and I are actively thinking of each other at the same time, it's like he's in the same room with me I feel him so strongly.

So why are we struggling, it should be great, right? That's what I'm hoping you can help me with, help me to understand. Ever since he ended the romance part of our relationship he's held me at arm's length, drawing me in, pushing me away. At first it was hard, for the first year we both struggled to stay away from the romance, we kept drifting back to it. He keeps me in email only. He won't allow me to send him an instant message or call him on the phone every once in a while. It's email only. And he still waffles between loving me and keeping me as strictly a friend. I know it's because he's really confused, and I thought I could handle just being friends, but you see, he sees other women, talks to them on the internet, and then comes to me to tell me about them. We recently had a huge fight over this, because I've told him, fully admitted that maybe I'm not being the best friend to him, but that I'm weak in this respect, that I needed him NOT to tell me about these other women, that it hurts me greatly. But he still continues to do it, and I know he does it simply because he trusts me, I'm the only person he CAN tell this stuff to. But it hurts me. I don't want it to, but it does. I see green every time he does it.

Honestly Lynda, if I didn't know better I'd honestly think he just "wasn't that interested". But he keeps coming back to me. It's the same routine -- we go weeks without speaking until he caves and emails me, and we crash together again, professing our love, and our need for the friendship, and for about a week it's great. And then it starts all over again.

So, I wrote him a long letter last night. I haven't heard from him yet because I asked him not to reply if he only wanted to argue with me, I asked him if he truly didn't want my friendship to love me enough to let me walk away with my held high, that I felt enough of a failure as his friend. But I had to admit to him that maybe my constant jealousy over his girlfriends means that it's time to admit that I'm still in love with him. I just can't handle that he keeps me as strictly an email pen-pal (since the romance ended, he won't even add me to his instant messengers!), that I can't handle hearing him talk about girlfriends anymore. I told him that it's been very obvious to me for a very long time that neither one of us really wants to be just friends, and that maybe that was my cue to go. I told him I loved him and that I wished him all the happiness he deserved (and he does deserve it).

But this morning, I'm doubting everything. I'm just not seeing things very clearly at all; my emotions are entirely too tangled up in this. I wanted him to email me and ask me not to go, to apologize, something, but it never comes, and I don't know why. I'd like to know...will ever move past this push/pull and be close again? Or am I hanging my heart on something that just won't work? I've done it before.

And if it doesn't work, I wonder if you can tell me ... how can I break this empathic bond that we have? Or close him off? My gift is still newly discovered and I haven't figured that out yet, how to keep people out. When I feel his pain over us, it makes my pain unbearable. If this relationship isn't destined to work, how can I close him off so that I no longer feel all of his emotions anymore? Is that even possible??

Either way, I thank you for listening.
J

Dear J: Bless your sweet heart. I wish I had some happy news for you because I know you really want to hear that this will all work out and he is the mate for you. I probably see this relationship different than you do, since I've witnessed a lot of these over the years. I won't even offer an opinion about whether or not he is your soul mate, etc. (a very misunderstood concept). What I can say is that he is a psychic vampire. I'm sure that isn't what you wanted me to say, but it's still true. A psychic vampire is someone who feeds on the energy/empathy/emotions/fears/confusion of others. Often, a psychic vampire doesn't even know he/she is feeding. They are so emotionally damaged, that toxic relationships (with lots of pretty labels to cover up the unhealthy nature of the connection) are simply normal to them.

This person can't have the kind of relationship you want.

I understand how intense and compelling these kinds of interactions can be. Life without the drama seems empty, so we assume we are "supposed" to be with the person. We "need" the excitement and upheaval the communications provide.

There is nothing healthy here. Even if he contacts you, saying what you want to hear, he'll flip-flop soon, looking for more outlets for his addiction.

How do you sever your connection with this person? Shift your attention. Yes. You'll have to re-shift your attention a thousand times a day until you get used to thinking about healthy things. Turn toward what you desire rather than focusing on this draining non-relationship. There really is a wonderful relationship in your future if you'll turn away from the unhealthy toward the joyful.
Lynda

Feeling The Pain of Others

Greetings Lynda:
I was happy to find your web site. Most web sites I have run across offer instruction on how to develop abilities or how to use them, they never deal with how to block them so you can just deal with them. I would love to get your advice on how to manage what I consider an ability that I just don’t know how to deal with. As a boy and early teen, I found that I was hyper-sensitive to other people’s pain. Both physical and emotional. If I spend any time with someone, it’s as if I can see his or her inner pain as if it was a physical thing. It’s like I can see a bruise on their inner self. My chest tightens and it feels like something heavy has been put inside of me. If I spend too much time with someone who is really hurting, emotionally I can feel his or her pain as if it was my own and there are times where I feel crushed by it. In other words, I find this intensely difficult to deal with. I can’t even be around sick people for vary long or I physically develop their symptoms. For example, a friend of mine had eye surgery and as a result, his right eye was visibly swollen and irritated for about a week. Every time I saw him and looked directly at him, my left eye would get sore, water, and eventually become infected. If I am around someone with a headache, migraine, or any kind of physical pain, a few min later I develop the same pain. I know I am not sick with what they have and I know that once I get away from that person it will go away in an hour or so, but at the same time, it makes it hard to be a social person. I thought I had some kind of social disorder for a while because in a large group of people I can sense the pain around me and after a few hours I am worn out and feel like I just finished a hard workout. My name is Jason and I was once told that it means, “One who heals the broken hearted.” I would love to live up to what my name stands for but at the same time I don’t know how to turn off or tone down how much of another person I take in. I feel drawn to people who are hurting, but at the same time, when I am feeling their pain, it's like I have to help them and me at the same time to get through it. Do you have any advice for me?
Jason the emotional sponge bob

Dear Jason: It does seem like a tough choice: be at the mercy of whatever energy has the strongest signal, or withdraw and live as a hermit. Actually, your situation is one of the reasons I believe so many sensitive people keep to themselves (I can vouch for that, myself). This might sound harsh or cold-hearted, but simply because you can feel something doesn't mean you need to. I think highly sensitive people misunderstand what it means that we can sense/feel things. We believe because we can feel something, we need to do something. Take an action on that person's behalf. Heal them.

All healing is self healing.

I'll just use my own experience as an example. Since I grew up with my radar blasting -- feeling/sensing everything around me -- I went back and forth between thinking I was crazy/broken and believing I needed to make things better for those I could sense. I spent years making myself miserable, trying to "fix" other people. Eventually, I discovered my need to fix them was my own lack of understanding and a little bit of arrogance. (It's great to be special, but it's truly a double-edged sword.) When I finally grasped that I could choose whether or not I experienced someone's pain (yes, you really can choose. I know you don't believe me, yet.) and then the degree to which I could feel it, I was liberated. That awareness led to the knowledge that, if I'm trying to fix/heal someone, I'm in the way. Whatever their soul/deeper consciousness/expanded wisdom was up to by creating the pain, etc., I couldn't possibly understand how it served them.

So, what did I do to filter the perceptions? I made a decision that I'd let others' energy flow through me without clinging. I could feel it if I wanted to, but it was like a river, continually moving on. I came to know that if someone's pain resonated with me and I "took it on," it was because there was something similar in my own energy. And, if someone came to me specifically, asking for assistance, I'd do what felt healthy for both of us. I learned to remain in a compassionate "witness" state with my clients, which kept me from flailing around in their energies -- trying to figure out (as if I ever could) -- what they need. If I stay in my compassionate space, trust my intuitive wisdom, and remember to do no harm (which is a bigger category than we usually think), I am often helpful.

I'm still working on successfully hanging out in groups, because I get overwhelmed. Here's something that helps me: instead of imagining yourself pushing against the energy "out there," just imagine yourself as a cup filled from the inside, overflowing onto everything. If you are so filled with your own, healthy energy, there's no way for you to take on anything else. There's a difference between healing and uplifting.

And, as I've said before, nobody can push their energy on us. It comes at our invitation, even though we usually have no idea we've sent out the offer. Be the tone you wish to share with the world. Allow people to entrain with your health and watch miracles happen.

You don't have to be sponge bob. Really. Although it is sorta exciting sometimes.
hugs,
Lynda

Love or Fear?

Hi, Lynda:
I am very troubled. My boyfriend and I have only been seeing each other 10 months and already have split up twice. Last time he begged me to get back with him, but it wasnt long before we started arguing again. I dont feel happy when I am with him -- I am always wanting more attention and more loving and this is frustrating for him as he doesnt understand what I am talking about. I feel that we cannot talk about stuff. I am 37 and really want a family but I know I am running out of time. Do you see us having a happy future? We went to couples therapy a couple of times, but he is reluctant to go back, which is really upsetting for me. He came and stayed for 2 months and I felt so suffocated, but every time I suggested he go home he got upset. Now he has finally gone and hasn't bothered to call me and I am feeling upset. Please help.
K

Dear K: You are ignoring your intuition. When you are with this fellow, you are miserable. He can't give you what you desire, and you want him to be different than he is. That's a train wreck waiting to happen. People are who we are. Often, we enter into relationships out of fear, rather than out of love. I wish I had better news for you, but the two of you are psychological/energetic oil and water. Both are fine, but they don't mix. Distract yourself from your fear about your age and allow the person who is truly yours to appear. Better yet, become the person you desire and watch how magnetic that is.
Lynda

Highly Sensitive

Hi Lynda:
I am in the middle of reading The Highly Sensitive Person in Love by Elaine Aron and I have finally came to the conclusion and admitted to myself that I am indeed an HSP. I am currently in a relationship and I will be getting married in about 8 weeks. There are times when I would say to myself "I can't believe I'm marrying her. I don't even think I love her" I know that I love my fiance, because everything about is her more than I would ever ask for, but there are times where I get mad at her for no reason at all. For example, she would tell me something like, "move, I feel like you're standing on top of me" and all of a sudden I would feel very hurt inside and I would stay mad at her for the rest of the day. Then there are times when I am with her and I would say to myself "how could I ever say to myself I don't love her, she is perfect for me?" My mind is always thinking too far into things and over-analyzing and at times I cry from all this over-thinking and it gives me headaches. I am very confused and I do not know how to go about this anymore.
Confused

Dear Confused: You have to ask yourself some hard questions. Yes. Those of us who are highly sensitive tend to react strongly to perceived slights. Our radars are very finely tuned. We're always looking for the next incoming grenade and sometimes we see attacks when there aren't any. But there's nothing wrong with being sensitive. It's a wonderful gift. I wouldn't trade my enhanced awareness for anything -- even if it means I often get my feelings hurt for no rational reason. (We're great about reading the environment. The problem comes when we try to interpret what we're feeling. We often forget how easy it is to project.) Now, having said all that, it sounds like your mate is insensitive. If you are going to marry this person, you'd better sit her down and have a very frank discussion about your differing communication styles. Perhaps you aren't just being over-sensitive. Maybe she does send out negative energy when she talks to you (sometimes). Don't marry her if this isn't talked about and resolved. If you are afraid that speaking with her about this will cause problems, then you have bigger problems than you thought. Best wishes. Keep me posted.
Lynda

Letting Go of the Past

Hi Lynda:
I find it interesting that I had the thought to write to you today. When I went to your archives I found my posting from last year at just about this same time. I found it very interesting to read your advice after all this time has passed. First of all, I wanted to confirm that yes I was in a depression, and did get some help, and continue to do so. My life has begun to turn around as I have faced many issues, fears, etc. Many times now I feel great, I work on seeing the world in a positive way and focus on getting positive thoughts and energies into my mind and body. This is not without challenge though, so the work continues. I am still challenged with finding my true self. Bringing out my energy, and getting to a life that flows and is full of the energy I think I used to have a long time ago.

Last year when I wrote I was struggling with the loss of a relationship, and the fear and pain built up inside me for so long. Through some struggles I did go out and meet some new people. Had a few short relationships, most of which are my friends today. But did get back together with my former partner. Well, as timing or the seasons would have it, I broke up again last month. This time has not been as tumultuous, so I am grateful that this year I am stronger and not struggling with as much pain and suffering. The loss is still difficult because I care so much for this person. We just can't seem to work out as a couple. I guess I have an issue with 'letting go', since logically in know why I made the choice to end the relationship again. Emotionally it's so difficult to release the feelings I have, and that creates the thought or hope that perhaps once again we will get back together. I think it's for the best that we aren't together at this time. Just a confusing time as I work through the process of letting go ( and at the same time not wanting to let go, since I've allowed myself to let this person into my life like I have let no other person ).
My partner and I had a number of similarities. Both 'nice' people, not too messy, not too clean, ready to head out on road trips, camping, outdoors, caring personalities. But it was difficult for us to find the positive energy needed to maintain a good relationship. I also found him to not be 'positive' much of the time. We never fought. So it wasn't a hurtful relationship. And there was much passion and caring in our relations.

I am still struggling as well with career/vocation and letting myself know what it is I would like to do with my life. I know that once this hurdle has been jumped, my life is going to be much smoother. My current job is not fulfilling.

So, I guess the purpose of writing is to gain some more insight once again. See what your guidance provides. Thank you once again for your insight.
G
Boulder, Colorado

Dear G:
As you know, you're a work in progress. It's not unusual for us to go back and forth with comfortable-yet-unhappy relationships. I think the big issue is that you need to make powerful and clear decisions about who you are and what you want. You do know. Like many people, you're waiting for huge signals, when the insights are actually whispered from your deeper self. I don't see the relationship you just left as benign. I think it's negative for you, so I hope you'll be strong and realize that something/someone more suited to you is coming. (If you open the door, of course.) See if you can dream bigger. Let go of the limiting ideas you have about yourself and imagine instead, "what if I can?" The moment you decide that you can have what seems impossible, your entire life will improve.
Lynda

Using Psychic Abilities to Manipulate

Dear Lynda:
My boyfriend and I have been going out for more than 8 months but it hasn't been easy. There's been 'cracks' in our relationship. He's no ordinary boyfriend because of his psychic reading abilities. He's reads me all the time, and I have been wondering whether he has the right to be doing so, and if it's actually fair to me. Due to his psychic abilities we've been arguing a lot and quite frankly we are in the 'danger zone'. I am writing to you for your advice because I love him and I want to save this relationship to help make it stronger. He reads my aura and sees 'pictures'. We have arguments sometimes when he sees me talking to a guy and accuses me wrongly. At times he would ask me to explain myself why those pictures are there on top of my head. He said If I’m honest enough those pictures would be cleansed and disappear. I find it extremely difficult to explain because a majority of time I am completely lost and don’t know what he wants me to talk about. I ask him to start the topic and tell me what is it he sees and doesn’t like but he says I need to tell him he can’t talk about it otherwise I won’t be cleansed. Due to this, he's been keeping his distance from me and he doesn't shower me with the love and attention like he use to. In this case I was wondering if it's good to go out with a psychic and can there be long-term relationship stability. I love him, but I'm in so much stress. I don't want him to argue with me over nothing, and at the same time be agitated of me talking to a male. I do want us to work out but at this stage I feel like I'm at a rocky edge and this is affecting every aspect of my aura. I hope to find a solution to combat this issue so we can make this relationship a strong lasting one. If you could give me some advice it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Confused

Dear Confused: First, I won't even start with whether or not this man has any actual psychic abilities. Although it's highly questionable that he does, that isn't the main issue. What's important is that he's manipulating you. In other words, he's scamming you. He's using the fact that you believe he has psychic abilities to emotionally/mentally slime you. Maybe he means well, and he actually has no clue about ethical behavior. But regardless, "psychics" who use their "abilities" to bully other people are no better than abusive con artists. Nothing about your relationship with this man feels like love to me. My strong advice is that you see him clearly and run in the opposite direction. (Actually, this fellow might be emotionally damaged, so trying to deal with him "normally" will always backfire.) You can't fix him.
Lynda

The Pain of Love

Lynda:
I found your website looking for help. I'm 42 years old and have been in a beautiful relationship with my significant other. We never married, but have been together for 8 years and have a 6 year old son together. Since we were both married previously and ended up in divorce, we decided that a piece of paper was not going to bring us happiness and didn't want to jinx our relationship. Well, we are now splitting up and I am taking it very badly. My partner has fallen in love with another woman. Within the past 2 months, he's had this friend that he spoke to several times a day. Whom he met on vacation. Our phone bill was over $600 for one month. That is when I found out about his friend. I noticed he was talking to her and confronted him. He told me they were just friends. She apparently confided in him and they became good friends. I insisted that he stop talking to her because my instincts told me that there was more than a friendship. However, at the time he said that his friendship to her was more important than me and he wasn't going to break it up. He even said that I can speak to her and she will tell me that it is nothing more than a good friendship. Well I did speak to her and asked her to please stop talking to him. She said she would, because apparently he had lied to her about something. Well, she took it really bad and insulted him and told him to leave her alone. But he would not. He continues to contact her and ask her for forgiveness. I found this out, by reviewing his phone and saw a text message where he's asking her for forgiveness and admits to her that he loves her. I showed him the message and he admitted to me that it was true. He said he felt confused because he knows that my love for him is true love and this other woman is nothing but a friend to him. He didn't know why he fell so deeply for her. At first I kicked him out, but then decided that for our son's sake he could stay. I went through a really bad divorce and my other children suffered too much and I didn't want my 6 year old son to go through the same thing. And his father does really love him and I know not having him around would be traumatic for both of them.

My question is, am I doing the good thing for my son? We do not fight in front of him, so I really don't think he knows what is going on, other than him seeing his dad sleeping in another room. Also, since this is recent, within the last couple of weeks, I am still very hurt and have been crying my eyes out everyday. I see him and want to hold him and tell him how much I love him. But, I know I cannot. He asked me to give him space and to let him go, so he can think things through, because he is confused. And he cannot ask me for forgiveness, because he cannot stop calling this other woman. His head tells him it is wrong and she is not worth it, but his heart wants her.

I'm very hurt, but I think I need to ask him to move out. But, I don't want my son to suffer. What do I do?

Confused and In Love

Dear Confused: This makes me sad, because I think the man in question is being incredibly selfish. He is putting his own needs and desires above the well being of his child. I understand that you believe you love this man, but the relationship doesn't sound like a healthy one to me, even before the other woman problem started. I'm so sorry this man let you and your children down. Sometimes people are weak. Here's what I see in the cards: get very strong within yourself, tell the selfish man to move on, focus on you and your children, create a life that nurtures and supports you, take your attention away from this man and his behavior. If you do all that, I see a wonderful improvement in your life over the next 10 months. What that means is, as you get stronger, either this man will get his act together and be worthy of you, or you'll connect with someone else who is the strong, compassionate partner you need. Sometimes we can't see the toxic environment we've created until we step away from it. Don't make this man your answer to anything. He isn't up to the job.
Lynda